It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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