this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
