I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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