remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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