my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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