Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
