I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
