Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
