Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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