I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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