Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
