I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
