Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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