Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
