woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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