I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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