Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
