just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I could fuck to npr.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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