Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
