Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
