I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
