Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
