he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
