im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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