i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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