so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
