Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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