I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
