I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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