Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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