we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
