dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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