First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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