Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
