I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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