I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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