So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
