My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
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From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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