all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
