the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
