he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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