i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
