It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
