Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Fuck me I smell like cheese
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
