I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
