be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
