I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
