tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
