i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
