I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
