I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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