When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
